An ordinary girl who fucks up sometimes. A girl who sometimes smokes too much or as is the case tonight, tweets too much.
Social media is a minefield. A huge, unexploded, undetectable field of bombs waiting to go off without a seconds warning. Not a moment to think, ‘hang on, maybe I shouldn’t step there’ before BAM, you are thrown from your warm, soft, comfortable life into a smithereens & picking up the pieces seems impossible. If you are lucky it’s only your leg that gets blown off & not your head.
I inadvertently stepped on one of these mines tonight. The only trouble is, I wasn’t alone. I had my one true love beside me & it was him that got blown apart.
Words are powerful things. Books have taught me that. I can get lost in the moment of words, caught up in the story & become immersed to the point of abject sorrow & heartbreak…or sheer joy.
“When you meet The One… the World stops. Watching “The Railway Man”… reminding me of my one true love “
These words tonight made my heart sing. Made me feel special, loved..wanted in a way I have never before been wanted.
“One true love” – those words are words I have never heard uttered about me before, not in 46 years of walking this planet. Words that I cannot even begin to understand…why..Why does this man love me?
Then..just like that..boom…comes that fucking minefield & I’m thrown backwards & upwards & sideways. He says he loves me. He says he wants me. I need this man like I need to breathe. Need to eat, drink..be. He is my ‘one true love’. My only love. And yet words have somehow made everything wrong. And dark. And sad. So very, very sad.
Words said in anger can hurt. They can leave lasting imprints on our brains, on our souls. I left a relationship that was entrenched in name calling, in nastiness when things weren’t going right.
“Fuck you” was a regular statement, along with “Stupid bitch” & other derogatory statements. I left this behind. I left it because I was sick of the bullshit, sick of the name calling, sick of not being valued.
I said “fuck you’ to him, to my husband of 17 yrs & partner of 23. I said “fuck you” to being treated like I was nothing, merely a means to an end…someone to be mocked & ridiculed for my tastes in music, or movies or ideas. I was alone in a marriage. Alone & so very lonely.
So with a final ‘fuck you’ I found someone else. Someone who saw me, value me, LOVED ME, for who I am. Yet, tonight, I am sitting here alone with my kitten wondering what went wrong. How did a few words turn the world upside down & make the sun disappear & the dark clouds come over so black & nasty?
I have always freely admitted to anyone who listens to me that I regularly put my foot in my mouth. I have a knack for saying or doing the wrong thing without realising it. But I am a good person. I don’t ever mean to upset, it’s just my brain often doesn’t think too far ahead of my mouth.
I am just an ordinary girl.